Hangover Rating Scale
Hangover rating scales have been passed around for as long as
we have been getting drunk. There are a few versions
of the hangover rating scale. This is the G or PG
rated version. The XXX
rated version can be quite funny, depending on your sense
of humor.
- One Star Hangover:
No pain. No real feeling of illness. Your sleep last night
barely qualifies as a nap, and you have a lot of nervous
energy. You can function pretty well and by noon will
be laughing about this with your cronies at work. Or
better yet, at the bar. However, you are still
parched. You will drink all the fluid you can get your
hands on and still feel want more.
- Two Star Hangover:
No pain, but something's clearly wrong. You may
look alright but, your mind is in slow
motion. You have switched from drinking coffee to
water. Water is less upsetting to your stomach.
You are hungry but, don't know what is and isn't safe to
eat. You eat nothing, better hunger than the
alternative.
- Three Star Hangover:
Slight headache. Stomach is empty and you know better than
to put any food into it. You are definitely not productive.
If you have sick time at work you may have called in
already. You're still a little drunk so you know things are
going to get worse. No matter how much water you drink you
are still thirsty. Normally you have a good work ethic but,
you worry about the stench your body is giving off and what
your boss will say about it.
- Four Star Hangover:
Life sucks. Your head is throbbing. Your speech is still
discombobulated from the night before. Your boss has
already lambasted you for being late and has given you a
lecture for reeking of booze. Too bad you had already used
up all your sick time. You wore nice clothes, but that
can't hide the fact that you missed an oh-so crucial spot
shaving, (girls, it looks like you put your make-up on
while riding the bumper cars.) Your eyes are dark and
sunken back into your skull. They look like they
belong on a corpse not a living person.
- Five Star Hangover:
AKA "Dante's 4th Circle of Hell."
You can feel a vein thumping on your temple. You
don't wonder if you smell like alcohol, you know you
do and your trying to avoid the boss. You've used
mouth wash but can't brush for fear of
puking. Your tongue is a dried chunk of lifeless flesh
in your mouth. Death seems pretty good right now. You
definitely don't remember who you were with, where you
were, what you drank and why there is a stranger still
sleeping in your bed at your otherwise empty house.
- Six Star Hangover:
You wake up on your bathroom floor. Naked, but without
knowing why. You're wondering if the cool refreshing
feeling on your cheek is the bathroom tile or your
vomit. You try to lift your head. Not an
option. It is hard to breathe because after your
8th drink you began chain smoking cigarettes even
though you had quit nearly a year ago. You begin
to move but that sets a chain of events into motion in your
stomach that won't be denied. When you finally get up
your stomach will only allow water to be added and only a
little sip at a time. This is a shame because you
have a powerful thirst. You contemplate having a
drink to ease the pain.
The hangover rating scale is an effective means of
describing your pain to those who also drink and also as a
means of comparing your stupidity to your fellow
drinkers. It is important to remember these ratings are
subjective and are probably being exaggerated by your fellow
celebrants. Abuses of the hangover rating scale are well
documented and rampant. Remember, those people are drunks
and are undoubtedly lying. Watch your back.
For the more courageous, please see: Adult
hangover scale.
Hangover Rating Scale to Hangovers
Hangover Rating Scale to Raging Alcoholic Home
|
